Secret Door/transcript

Gavin walks towards a door

Gus stops him

Gus: What do you think you're doing?

Gavin: Nothing I was going to put these DVDs away, I thought this might be the closet.

Gus: Why don't you let me take care of this for you?

Geoff appears

Geoff: Why don't you let him take care of those for you?

Gavin: Okay.

Gavin sits across from Burnie and next to Matt

Gavin: Hey, I just had this really weird conversation with Gus.

Burnie: Oh yeah? He was probably just hitting on you. Wouldn't be offended by that, it was bound to happen eventually.

Gavin tries to talk

Burnie: I'm just saying, you're a good looking guy. That kind of thing happens to good looking guys. I wouldn't really know about it.

Gavin: No, no, no-

Burnie: I know, you're not good looking good looking. I'm just saying, you know, you have that crazy accent, that goes a long way. Plus you have that weird-ass Euro haircut.

Gavin: My hair's not- that's not what I'm saying. I don't think Gus is- it doesn't even matter. What's was that I was going in that door-

Burnie: What door?

Gavin: (points to door) that one over there, that closet or whatever it is.

Burnie: Why would you go in that door? You don't need to go in that door.

Gavin: Why?

Burnie: There's nothing back there for you. You don't need to go back there. Trust me.

Gavin: You're hiding something in there, aren't you?

Burnie: In where?

Gavin: In there, behind that door you won't let me open.

Burnie: That's crazy talk.

Geoff and Gus reappear besides Burnie

Gus: Yeah, totally crazy.

Geoff: Fucking Looney Tunes

Gavin: Right, now I'm positive you're definitely hiding something.

Burnie: You're trying to start a conspiracy theory or something like that?

Geoff: You've been talking to Matt again haven't you?

Matt: Black Helicopters, Google it.

Gus: Seriously, what could we be possibly hiding?

Gavin: I always figured Burnie would be hiding sandwiches.

Burnie: (pulls out a sandwich) Hey.

Gavin: Geoff probably some sort of illegal booze, right?

Geoff: Hey, moonshine is legal in three states.

Gavin: And Gus, probably some WoW themed porn.

Gus: World of Warcraft is nothing to be ashamed of.

Burnie: I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen to me and I want you to understand me. There is nothing secret behind that door. There is nothing in that room that you should be suspicious about at all.

Gus: Nothing.

Geoff: Nothing.

Burnie Nothing!

Later that night, Gavin sneaks back into the office' and opens the door, much to his shock.

Burnie: Warned you.

Gavin: Christ!

Geoff: You shouldn't have come here.

Gus: You shouldn't have seen this.

Gavin: What the hell is going on in there, who are they?

Burnie: They're you of course, we had you cloned.

Gavin: Cloned?

Camera reveals a bunch of Gavin clones bound and gagged.

Gavin: Why?

Geoff: Uh, because we needed more of you?

Gavin: I don't understand, why would you do that?

Burnie: Perhaps you shouldn't be asking yourself why, perhaps you should ask yourself am I the original Gavin, or is the original Gavin somewhere in there?

Gavin: Am I the original?

Burnie: Yeah, you are I'm just fucking with you.

Gavin: But you found a way to clone me, how?

Gus: Craigslist, you can find anything on there.

Burnie: You see, your first clone found out what happened, so then we had to throw him in there. Second clone, he figured out what happened too, so we had to throw them in there. Then your third cl- well you get the idea, we threw them all in there.

Gavin: You guys are really bad at keeping this a secret from me.

Burnie: You think we're bad at keeping secrets, you should see Geoff try to kill a clone.

Geoff: They scream so loud, it's distracting.

Gus; Why are you always so curious about closed doors, don't they have those in Britain?

Gavin: But there's so many of me, is that Ben?

Camera shows Ben trapped.

Ben: Dear god, help me.

Burnie: Oh that is Ben. I was wondering what happened to him.

Ben: Where am I?

Burnie: Yeah we can't really tell you guys apart, since you both have the same pompous ass British accent. I can't even tell what you are saying half the time.

Gavin: What are you-We don't sound anything alike. I'm from Oxford, he's from Nottingham.

Ben: They're totally distinct accents!

Gavin: Exactly.

Burnie: Yeah, seriously not a word, it's like you're doing a scene out of Lord of the Rings right now.

Gavin: You're not going to get away with this.

Gus: Why do the clones always say the same thing.

Burnie: Gav, we already have gotten away with it, you never bothered to read the terms and conditions on the website, did you?

Image of the terms and conditions appear.

Gavin: That's not fair, nobody reads those!

Geoff: We also put some really major hints in your image gallery.

Pictures of all the clones appear.

Gavin: Oh my god, I've always wondered where those came from.

Burnie: Yeah we took those on one of the free weekends we do like every six months, it helps keep the clones limber.

Geoff: And from joining Scientology.

Gavin: You're not going to put me in there, right, though? Please don't put me in there, I beg you, don't put me in that room.

Geoff: Well we can't put you in the attic, that's where all the Gus clones are that haven't finished their hypnotherapy.

Gus: Wait, the what?

Burnie: SLEEP!

Gus sleeps, Burnie snaps fingers and Gus awakens.

Gus: (in a robotic voice) Okay everyone, get back to work.

Geoff: Alright.

Gavin, No, no, no, no You're not goint to put me in that room, I beg you please don't put me in that room.

Burnie: What'd he say?

Gus: I think he said, I'm totally cool with this, throw me in.

Gavin struggles as Geoff throws Gavin in, for some strange reason he shouts Gandalf.

Burnie: See, all I heard was something about the One Ring.

Gus:Oh fuck, we need to keep the original out here so we can make another clone.

Burnie: Oh right, gotta go from the source otherwise the copy DNA gets bad.

Geoff: Which one of these is the original again? They all look the same.

Gus: How about that one right there.

Geoff pulls out Ben, who struggles to tell them he isn't the one they're looking for.

Burnie: Yeah, he'll do.

Ben: What? I'm not the one you want, really!

Geoff: Yeah, it's definitely this one, get a load of that goofy accent.

Burnie: (Laughs)  Mordor...

Burnie: (to the clones) Okay guys, if anyone of you finds a sandwich in here tonight, it's mine, okay? If I find out that even one of you takes a bite of it, I will gut the FUCKING LOT OF YOU, YOU BRITISH FUCKING DICKS! Okay, see you guys tomorrow, okay?